Point to prove or a lesson that was needed to be learnt?

Helooooooooooooo World! :)

Hope everyone is fine, and doing just great!

im back! haha. yeah. this is a post to share my disappointment or whatever you call.

Ok heres the thing, i officially slept for 17 hours. Yes, SEVENTEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!!

Dont ask, but yeah, 17!!!!!! SEVENTEEENENENENENENENE!!! TUJUH BELAS!!! gosh.

so yes, i slept from 8 am to 1pm. i supposed to have gone at 8 to the train station to check out something for our europe trip..... BUT... my close eyes for 10 mins before leaving, never really happened la. So yes, woke up at 6 thanks to a wake up call. But then, i decided to sleep and hence just correct my nocturnal mode to the more normal mode which means stay awake at day and sleep at night. so i knew i had to sleep till late night/early morning, then i can run the whole next day awake and tada back to a normal more humanly mode rather then an owls one.

so yes, im awake and blogging at 7 am. Yeap supposed to be studying, but i tght i would need a post to teach myself something and also to share a lesson.

A day ago (two days) i had my first out of the two written papers, called Neuroscience (NS). I tell you!! thats the worst paper i've sitten for in a quite a while, No, not that i wasnt prepared enough, but just that, my brain did not work as it should. From the gan i knew once to be intelligent and confident, both of tht was really tested in this exam. Not only tested but also results were shown in this exam. The test, a moderate question paper which didnt give all of us much time to answer the questions. So the tester being- Shortness of time. And guess what, i got the results of my actions then itself.
The lack of time aggravated all that i feared, and i just, simply, blanked out in the exam.
All that i feared,not being able to think straight, (due to no sleep before the exam, hence brain could not reorganise and pack information) not being able to recall stuff (cause i panicked hours before the exam cause i tght i couldnt finish revising in time) hands trembelling, and yeah, all this were aggravated by the short of time. I Just Blanked Out. After a few minutes things started slowly getting back to me. But, unfortunately not all came back cause as time progressed in the exam, i just got more worried. Even for the stuff i knew, i didnt put it down in the Gan Way. It was kinda messy i guess cause i feared for the time.

Why all this happened? because one simple reason, i used to sleep in the morning/afternoon and study all night long. Yes, i did get my 8 hours here and there, but it was the wrong hours. And before the exam weeks i tried correcting myself, BUT, it never really happened. as i had 2 choices to correct myself:
1. Sleep early even if i woke up in the evening, and waste that one solid day
2. Sleep The next day night only after going through a lil bit of a challenge/torture staying awake and save that one day.

Gan being gan, chose option Two ofcourse. but ALWAYS failed to correct it. So his timing always became worse, and started sleeping at different hours everyday. Naps never were naps. It always became sleeps. And to the extent that i felt sleepy twice a day, once in the morning and once at night no matter what time i woke up. Which kinda sucks because you cant concentrate. So when i realised lack of concentration, i choose to believe in red bull, but red bull just made things temporarily better. Yes it did help me focus then and study hard, but as we reached nearer to the exam itself, the after effects of red bull kicked in- mental exhaustion. And that was the day of my NS exam. I knew my brain was already tired.... it just went into lazy mode, but i was wide awake.

So guys, thats how i screwed up my exam. Im just talking about short notes, MCQ paper went well enough i certainly hope. It made you think, but good enough i hope. My dreams for this exams all shattered right there and then. What i wanted i know, is kinda like impossible now.... but im not gonna complain, i learnt ALOT out of this. Rather now, then later in hospital years.... even now it should go fine, but i could have done better, after all i was never as ready as this before the exam weeks for this paper. I was ever so ready after one reading, all i needed to do was look through it all before the exam, and there is where i failed because i took things for granted and dozed off one afternoon and then as i woke up, i knew i had only one day left, and according to my maths, at the rate i go, i needed 23 hours to cover everything one more time. Which is kinda impossible out of the 24 hours left before the exams.

So yes, the irony of this exam was that, i was never alike prepared for my previous papers, BUT YET, i screwed up the short notes like never before. (well in relation to how much i was prepared la). I was really really disappointed with myself like NEVER BEFORE after the paper itself. Well i was not prepared in the anatomy bit as i overlooked it a little, and that added to the stress before the exam as i had to go through it before the exam. oh well.

So yes, with all the mental tiredness, i've slept for 17 hours today and should be back to normal timing soon. And then my circadian rhythm should be back to normal, and then my hormone levels will be back to normal and brain functioning at a normal state already before my last paper.

So now its to studying, and i have a point to prove to myself now. HERE I COME PIH/EBH!!!! (Population and International Health and Evidence Based Health)

And dear mum,
This is to you:
Seriously, dont worry so much about what i just wrote, im Totally fine. You and dad raised me like this, which is to be independent, im not like many of the other people where if things go wrong i come to you mum and dad. But, this is how you raised me to be, to always think and lift myself up when im down, and this is how you should leave me to be.
There is no point in worrying about me now and flocking me with all those lovey dovey emails and skypes and msns. I'M FINE! (though yes, i do occasionally like to read those, helps a little nevertheless. But dont worry!!!!)
I treasure my ability to pick myself up, analyze and work to improve, which is certainly thanks to you and dad.  The below is to the both of you:

To me,
Independence is my key for success,
Not to rely on anyone besides yourself,
As i believe,
it is you who knows best.

To you,
Thank you for engraving me success,
the key was synonymous to success,
and i leave the rest,
As I believe,
you two were the ones who knew best.

I assure you i will be someone,
In the nearest future,
and not just Anyone.
Mark my words.
My dear parents.

oh btw, with a new year, comes a new fathers day and a new mothers day, can we take this for a gift in advance?? hehe. *hugs*!!!!!

and to a dear friend of mine, just to let you know, it will take me more then a few hours of hesitation if not days when it comes to you. You know who you are and what i mean. *hugs*

Lastly, thank you god for teaching me the important lessons you have thought me, rather now at a lower cost then later with the possibility of failing my hospital exams. Thank You.

Signing off, with a point to prove in PIH/EBH,
Gan.

PS: This whole post was thought in the space of a 20 minute shower, from top to bottom.
One Life, One Love, Enjoy Every Bit of it.

Where did all the fun go?!

Okay, today christmas just passed.

Managed to catch a movie with my immediate family here in dublin after MUCH MUCH delays from a few of the members! *cough evelyn cough* We watched Yes Man at 11pm... it was a nice movie night i must say. And i dont know whether this is a sign or something (i just read yuns blog on Sign From God kinda thing), Hers was body shop sale, mine is something..er.. not shopping related... lol.

I just feel like i've lost the fun in life. All soo tied up, stressed out, up tight....  Came back from the movie, read a few blogs, which further was like a sign to me...  Then facebooked a little, and got more signs...

Then i spent some time alone reflecting. The only thing i've been doing is either college work or studying or thinking about studying. Yes, i did go to edinburgh for 3 days, but like, shouldnt fun be consistent?? not a great break and then great work again right?

Today was christmas, and what did i do? i just locked myself up whole day studying... Well, might not have been very productive, but all i did was study. How sad can i be? If not for melissa, i would have been just at home studying more. :( I turned down a Christmas party invite earlier in the week thinking that thats not what i need now, as a party will consume too much of my energy and i'll loose focus and the slow momentum i've gained studying. See! my thoughts were to that extent! This CAN NOT last! this sucks!

Some of my friends went for a movie today after the party, which come to think of it, i considered joining in, but the sole reason, studies made me not succumb to the temptation.

I've also realised i've not been able to spend quality time with my friends back at home, and also here in dublin itself.

And the only thing i can recall thinking off in the past few weeks/month is study and work. my edinburgh trip, manchester trip, london trip, all does NOT come into mind at all. I wonder why... Work overload? worries? maybe. Im anticipating more work, hence preparing to make full use of the time i have now studying...

There is sooo much i would have done if it was the older gan, i turned down soo many events and outings, technically- FUN! i turned down fun. Day and night work or study.

hmmm, and i also realised that my blog is more like a journal and diary. I suddenly seem soooo tight up, like the guy who follows the one straight line and is not willing to deviate even a bit off it - Geek. I cant blog with humor anymore, im so stressed out that its all serious journal like. No emotional additions and feelings to the posts... they're all like.... newspapers?

Where did all the fun go? And yun's christmas card (which was very sweet of her) contained the word president. A further sign? Has my election as president taken out all the fun?? Sucked it all out? Or is this just exam period?? or am i just sick of the work that needs to be done for the society? -that just keeps coming! And im constantly thinking on what work is there to anticipate to not falter in exams, see! more thoughts on work!

Where did all the fun go?!

...sigh, back to notes... :(

One Life, One Love, Enjoy Every Bit of it.